Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”