The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks