The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
🙄😏😂🤣
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale