The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need