The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
🤷♀️
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]