Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

eggs benadryl

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Don’t tell me what to do

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week