Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Just did a big green poo by a canal

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.