Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

What about second breakfast?

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth

baby birds: yay! dinner time

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.