Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team
ME: No I’m not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
elon musk having a love affair with space because he read hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is like if i were a billionaire and decided to use all of my power and resources to create turtles who ate pizza & knew karate
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
If you ever quit twitter, instead of writing something sanctimonious, write “About to go skydiving. Wish me luck!” and then never post again
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
He asked what I like in bed so I was honest:
1. My dog
3. Blankets fresh from the dryer
4. Take out
What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?