2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham


Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*


Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.


sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers


[leaving couples therapy]
*whispers to therapist* so who won?


I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair


*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”


My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.