“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.