the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
We have a winner.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.