the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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*weighs self after shaving
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
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[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
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Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO