Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it

Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?

Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer