The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Easy enough.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
me after drinking all the wine:
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice