Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks