Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up