Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

😂😂

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

Damn he played himself

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

*mops up wine with cat*

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

The fall of Netflix

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

What