Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

they split up moments later

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

i hate you platonically

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

If I ignore life will it go away?

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!