The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
You Might Also Like
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
when you order from DoorDastardly
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down