The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
FINE, I WON’T.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
is he marrying that labradoodle
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.