The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
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Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.