The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
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If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Good morning
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*