Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

is it too early for christmas memes

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

man: wait

time: no

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.