The world really changed after the year 0.
It was a complete 1 AD.
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Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I am, perchance
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
