me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Your secret is safeish with me
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.