The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
They should make a moral fiber supplement
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Sign at work today
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup