The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
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Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.