The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
best review i’ve ever seen
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
concern
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.