The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
In space, no one can hear…
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.