The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.

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You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people


My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.


My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.


My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.


Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.


[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?


Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.


Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.


My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.


“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.