@tdwyer618

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.

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@TragicAllyHere

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

@AndreyasAsylum

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

@shahrouzt

My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.

@solommb

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

@TheSpookyKiwi

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@10kbabyspiders

Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.

@esc_key

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

@sip_at_home_mom

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

@DPRK_News

“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.