THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.