Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

idk what this dog had been going through but same

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.