THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
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a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ