The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
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What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.