The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
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CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
why no one uses midhusbands
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through