The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
the battle rages on
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
yea so i messed up lol
the short answer to this question