The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Respect
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[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.