The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
an airline just for babies.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
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