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love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
💀🤣
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.