The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Guys which shade of gery should I get
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad