The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
You Might Also Like
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Finally a use for spoilers…
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”