The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
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i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I’m sure it’s fine.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care