Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Europe. Made in Germany.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.