the worm is coming from inside the brain
You Might Also Like
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My dream car is a taco truck.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles