the worm is coming from inside the brain
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I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.