The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
You Might Also Like
Interior designer.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.