The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
even bears disappoint their mothers
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.