The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
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Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
the answer was staring at me all along
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.