The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
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[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
no!! no!!!!!!
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time