The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
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Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
@ candidates for local office
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.