Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

Woke up against my better judgment again

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?