Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Cashiers are always checking me out

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?