The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this