The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.