Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

Hotels are back

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

A recipe for laughter

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.