The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
One of the best
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
