Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

This is my bus stop.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

ready to be harvested

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.