The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
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“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Who did it better?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him