Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please