The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
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The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Interior design 👌
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this