The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
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The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it