Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.

[Christmas dinner]

Me [serving guests]: More ramen?

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.