the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
there has never been a better use of this meme
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
he’s doing your taxes
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.