Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”