The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
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ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I support this random dude and all his protests
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together