The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
You Might Also Like
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
my nickname in college
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Breaking news:
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang