Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.