Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft