The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
