Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.