*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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God: you’re a dove.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.
If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Freedom of expression is great… I can make a kissy face, smiley face or a frowny face, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it