@rolldiggity

The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

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@PinkCamoTO

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

@kimtopher22

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

@FilthyRichmond

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

@SadieSkyNinja

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re wearing Superman undies, but she’s a Batman kinda girl, you might as well put your clothes back on.

@ExecDad1

If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.

@EJGomez

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

@Jojo_51213

Freedom of expression is great… I can make a kissy face, smiley face or a frowny face, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it