@rolldiggity

The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

You Might Also Like

@gnuman1979

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

@DamienFahey

When Chipotle says, “Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?” I pause, then say, “Hang on, let me call my financial advisor.”

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

@UnFitz

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

@Jandalize

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

@Amburglar_

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

@MavenofHonor

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@blahfamous

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

@RachelNoise

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.