The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
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The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
shazam but for random noises outside
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture