The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The news
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.