The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My dad.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.