The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
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Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.![]()
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT